Why Do You Believe Me When I Say I Love You?
by OfLoveAndLiterature
Summary: Nicky Nichols dreads her birthday every year, until Lorna Morello makes them worth remembering.


**Okay, here we have it. Nicky's birthday fic written especially for Mish. I really enjoyed writing this and I'm not just talking about the smut lmao. Let me know what you think of it, I'd love to hear your opinion! A lot of people were mad when I skipped over the smut on my last fic so I thought I'd treat you with this one. Again, I didn't double-check this over before posting so if you see any mistakes, please don't hesitate to let me know so I can fix them ASAP. Please don't hesitate to leave me a review to let me know what you thought of this, whether you liked it or didn't like it, where I can improve, or any requests for future fics.  
**

Birthdays.

Nicky Nichols hated birthdays.

All it did was serve as a pathetic reminder that she was another year closer to death. Another year closer to being buried six feet under.

She hadn't celebrated her birthday in years, had to be over ten at least. There was no point. Especially in prison. It's not like she could receive any proper gifts or have a party or anythin'. She feels it's better this way, no fuss. Only a few people even remembered when her birthday was because she never told people. She didn't want people to know, to get ideas in their head.

Morello, oh sweet Morello. She tried. She really did. It made her heart ache and her stomach flip at every little gesture and detail she put in to make this one day of the year special for her. She had told her numerous times that there was no point, that it didn't matter, that she wasn't bothered about it, that she was just wasting her own damn time. But still, she couldn't help the little flutter in her heart each year when Lorna surprised her. It was mostly the fact that she cared enough to even do anything, not even Red had put much effort in during the time she had been incarcerated. She would wish her happy birthday, kiss her on the crown of her head and that would be it. Honestly, that would enough from Morello too. But no matter how much she tried to put Lorna off, she wouldn't budge. She would simply ignore her, as if she hadn't even heard Nicky say anything about it. If anything, it just spurred her on further to make what would normally be just any other ordinary day something special.

The day was near approaching and normally Morello would be buzzing around excited, leaving little hints on what was to come up but this year — nothing. She paid extra special attention to the brunette thinking maybe she missed something but nope, she was just acting completely normal. Maybe she had forgotten or was finally taking on board what Nicky was saying and not doing anything for her birthday.

Even though that's what Nicky had wanted all along she couldn't help the dip in her stomach of disappointment. Although she moaned and groaned, she had actually started looking forward to her birthday each year, probably for the first time in her god damn life. For it all to stop? Well, it was a bit of a fuckin' bummer. She couldn't say anything though and it made her angry that she was even feeling this way. It was pathetic and stupid. It's not like it was ever much anyway, nothing extravagant. There was only so much you could do and get your hands on in a prison, so while Lorna did try her best to make it something special and nice. It still wasn't very much, compared to previous birthdays she'd had. Birthdays on the outside.

She twisted her mouth in a scowl. She thinks that's why she hates birthdays so much now. Every year she would get any gift she would ask for, and then some. Money, a car, even a flushed out Brooklyn apartment but she never got the one thing she wanted most. The one thing she always repeated in her head before she blew out the candle on her birthday cake.

Her mother's affection.

She didn't feel like it was too much to ask, really. Just a genuine smile from her as she passed her a present or a hug, a kiss on the cheek. Anything. Just anything. But she never got it. She got the cold callous touch of a hand, a hard stare and a thin-lipped smile. Clear in her face that she would rather be anywhere but there. She would always make excuses that she was busy or had somewhere else to be. She couldn't even spend the day with her, on the one fuckin' day of the year where she wanted her around most.

She began to resent birthdays after her ninth. Maybe, her eighth. She had grown to learn that no matter how much she wanted it, how much she wished for it. It was just never going to happen. She had a mother but most of the time she looked at her as a stranger. Because that's how she made her feel.

She had really had any reason to celebrate her birthday after that excitement had wasted away into complete nothingness. She never did anything special. Maybe drank a little more than normal, took a different mix of drugs as an experiment, did anything she could so that she couldn't face the reality of how alone she was. How her own mother didn't even really care about her well-being. Never had.

She blew air out between her cheeks. God, she could really kill for a cigarette right now.

Nicky tried not to think about the fact that this year, the excitement would dissipate once more. That there would be nothing to celebrate, nothing to smile about. She tried to think if it was something she had done recently to unsettle Lorna or whether she simply forgot. But she knew Lorna and knew that she wouldn't just forget. She looked forward to this day more than she did for fuck sake.

She had noticed the last three or four days that Morello had been withdrawing from her more and more, brushing her off, giving her bullshit excuses that she was 'busy'. Yeah, right. When was she ever fucking busy?

She didn't even know what she did this time to piss her off this time.

Nicky scoffed. Whatever. Fuck her, fuck everything. Everything always just turned to shit, why was she even still surprised anymore?

* * *

She was lying in her bunk, staring aimlessly above her when the clock ticked huffed out a sigh before she heard a slight shuffle, a barely-there whisper and then a tug to her arm sleeve. She furrowed her brows before looking down to see Lorna crouching, clearly trying to be discrete and trying to no get caught being out of her own bunk.

A slight smirk pulled at the edges of Nicky's mouth. 'What you doin'?'

'Come with me.' She whispered in reply with another urgent tug at her sleeve. She had a nervous and slightly panicked look on her face which only caused Nicky more amusement.

'What? You finally gonna stop ignornin' me now, huh?'

Morello rolled her eyes and let out a small puff of breath. 'C'mon, please. I've got something I want to show you.' Her lips curled up in a shy smile and immediately Nicky knew she was done in for.

'OK, fine. Whatever.' She made a dramatic show of swinging her legs over the mattress before standing up. Lorna immediately grabbed hold of her hand, callous meeting clammy and pulled her towards the exit.

Once they were away from the other sleeping bunkmates who with some kind of miracle hadn't been woken up by their loud whispers, Nicky took the chance to look at Lorna quizzically. She looked nervous and a little bit excited and she wondered what possibly Lorna had to show her that was so urgent she had to go now. Completely forgetting that it was now officially her birthday and that maybe Lorna had something planned all along.

'Where the fuck are we goin'?' Nicky grumbled, naturally. Even though they were now walking with quick steps away from the suburbs and she could quite easily pull her hand away from Lorna's clammy one. She found that she didn't want to. The small hand wrapped around hers tighter than was necessary was kind of nice. And she was whipped. Holy shit.

'You'll see, c'mon.' Lorna looked at her, her eyes shining brightly in the darkness and another one of her shy smiles as tugged on Nicky's arm once more.

Nicky just allowed Lorna to drag her as her gaze stayed glued to Lorna's face. She was so beautiful yet so unaware of it. That small shy smile got to her every time, it was a smile that she reserved just for her. It wasn't her usual sunshine smile that everyone got to see or the fake smile she put on when she tried to fool everyone in to thinking she was okay when she clearly wasn't. This was the kind of smile you shared with your first crush in high school, or on your first date. It was innocent and sweet and genuine. It made her stomach do somersaults, her own hands starting to get clammy now.

She bit down on her lower lip. She was so fucked. She was sure whatever Lorna so desperately wanted to show her could never match up to the look that she just gave her. Those eyes shining so brightly with happiness, the smile that said a thousand words and the thumb absent-mindedly rubbing soothing circles on the back of her hand that she was only noticing just now.

They both suddenly came to a halt and Nicky realised they were stood outside the chapel. 'The chapel? Fuckin' really?' Nicky asked incredulously as she finally pulled her hand from Lorna's grip, missing the contact almost immediately. 'This 'thing' you want to show me is just a pathetic excuse for a quick lay?' Nicky scoffed and shook her head.

Lorna had that panicked look back on her face and held her hands out in protest. 'No, no. It's not like that I swear.' She rushed to get her words out, her eyes desperately searching Nicky's.

'You know I can't do this Lorn. You can't keep doin' this to me. You know how I feel about you, it's not fuckin' fair, alright?' Nicky huffed, brushing her curls back from her forehead. A sinking feeling in her stomach.

'No, no. This isn't about that, Nicky. I um — I wanted to be the first one to wish you a Happy Birthday.' She shuffled her feet nervously. 'I was trying to get everything all ready for tonight, that's why I've been so off with you these last couple days.' She bit down on her lower lip. 'I know you don't like all this shit but I — I just wanted to show you that you matter, ya know? I know your Ma', your real Ma' never really gave you the attention you deserved but I'm trying to make up for that in my own small way.' She shrugged her shoulders nonchalantly and smiled shyly at her again, one hand on the door knob.

'Please, just. If it's too much or you don't like it you can just go back to your bunk or whatever. Just let me show you first, okay?' Lorna touched a hand to Nicky's arm as her hand slowly twisted the door knob and she opened the door.

Nicky completely melted hearing Morello's speech. Even after all this time, she still found ways to surprise her. To exceed her expectations in kindness and in thoughtfulness. The creases of frustration lining her face eased as she smiled softly at the petite brunette standing in front of her. She didn't think she could feel more in love with her in this moment if she tried.

'You really are somethin' else, kid.' She breathed out before leaning forward and pressing a lingering kiss on her forehead. 'C'mon then, show me.' She grinned, moving her hand to the small of her back as she guided Morello in first, following close behind.

It was pitch black and hard to see but she followed willingly until they reached the back of the chapel where the floor was lit up with a couple dozen tea lights, flickering away out of sight and shedding light on the little set up that Morello had made. There were some pillows and blankets laid out on the floor where they could lie down. She spotted some handwritten letters on the sheet that piqued her interest before she could dwell on things anymore she felt another light pull on her hand.

'C'mon, lay down with me.' Lorna pulled her down with her as she settled on the blankets and sheets. It wasn't the most comfortable thing in the world, the floor still felt a bit hard underneath their backs and the pillows were flat and a bit useless but it was still nice. The atmosphere felt calming and comforting and as she turned her head to look at Morello, she couldn't help but think how beautiful she looked lit up by only candlelight.

Their hands were clasped as they lay side by side, neither of them spoke for a minute or two, just basking in the comfortable silence before Morello turned her head to look at Nicky and hearing the movement Nicky turned her head to look back at her. Lorna had a soft smile on her face as she gazed into Nicky's brown eyes. Nicky reached out with the hand that wasn't clasped in Lorna's and traced the pad of her thumb over Lorna's cheekbone, not being able to help herself. 'Thank you for this Lorn', I thought you might have forgotten.' She admitted with a light chuckle.

'Never.' Lorna grinned back at her before the smile drifted off her face completely and she got serious. She sat up and crossed her legs, Nicky, however, remained laying down her face contorted in confusion and worry at Lorna's abrupt change in demeanour.

Lorna's focus was on their still clasped hands which she had now pulled into her lap, she watched as her thumb moved, rubbing slow circular movements into the soft skin on the back of Nicky's hand. Her eyebrows were furrowed and she was almost trembling with anxiety. 'I've been uh, doin' a lot of thinkin' lately. Ya' know, it's prison. All you've really got is time to think.' She let out a small nervous laugh.

'First, I just want to see I'm sorry Nick.' She lifted her head and offered the other woman a watery smile. 'I'm so sorry for how I've treated you, bein' so hot and cold, givin' you false hope n'all that. The truth is I just wasn't ready. I've spent so many years not allowin' myself to really feel. I could play my family, how I was brought up but I—' She trailed off with a shrug, her voice thick with emotion. 'I think the truth is I was just scared. Scared of givin' myself into true happiness. I think I was so scared of screwin' things up because I always screw things up and I so desperately didn't want to hurt you but my actions— they only hurt you much worse.'

She sniffled, her eyes drawn back to her lap as Nicky just remained shocked into silence. Not wanting to object or interrupt. 'Ya' know all I've ever wanted was a family. Settle down, get married, have kids maybe even adopt a dog.' Her lips twisted up in a brief genuine smile. 'I never thought about the fact I could have all that with a woman. Not before you.' Her eyes flicked up for a moment to look at Nicky. 'It's stupid and I know a lot of it was the way I was brought up, all these traditional values that were instilled in me, it's been hard to shake them off.' She let out a small sigh.

'When you were sent to MAX, I wasn't copin'. I'm sure Alex or Big Boo have told you a little somethin' about that but it's much worse than that, much worse than I let them see. Without you here Nick, it was like suddenly I couldn't breathe.' She shook her head as two tears started to roll down her flushed cheeks. 'I was lost and, and I honestly didn't know if you were coming back.' She sighed, reached a sleeve covered hand up to wipe her tears away. 'I started desperately searchin' for penpals, anyone who would be willin' to be with me, put up with me. I was so hurt and I was so angry and I knew I was bein' stupid, not thinkin' things through but all I knew was that I couldn't keep goin' on my own anymore.' She sniffled. 'Then you came back.'

'It was so good to see you again', but I could tell that you'd changed. That they got to you in there. You were different. And me, well I just felt like a fuckin' idiot because I'd just married this complete stranger in a pathetic attempt to replace you.' She laughed humourlessly.

'I just, I need you to know I'm sorry. For everythin'. I never meant to hurt you, to keep on hurtin' you. But I did, and this is me acknowledgin' that.' She let out a sigh, finally lifting her head again to look over at Nicky, not expecting to find red, tear-filled eyes shining back at her in the dark. She could see the pain in them as well as the love. There was always love.

'The whole point of this,' She waved her hand around them. 'was to try and come out and finally say it. No chickening out or backing down or running away, this time. She shuffled herself closer and Nicky moved from her lying down position to sitting up, moving so she was sat directly in front of her. Lorna leaned forward, cupping Nicky's cheeks with small gentle hands. Her thumbs brushed along her cheekbones in a feather-light touch as she pressed their foreheads together. It was so intimate and powerfully charged with emotion that Nicky didn't dare speak, didn't dare ruin the moment.

'I love you, Nicky Nichols. I love you so much, and I'm sorry I've been too scared to say it this whole time but I think I might have always loved you. More than, more than I've ever loved anyone.' Her words came out in a soft whisper, her breath ghosting over Nicky's lips who were itching to press into Lorna's plump lipstick-stained ones.

For the first time that evening, Nicky took note that Lorna wasn't wearing her wedding ring. How on earth had she missed that? She took a few moments, not trusting her voice. She felt wetness on her cheeks and suddenly realised she was crying.

'Shit. I love you too, you fuckin' lunatic.' Nicky exclaimed a laugh of relief and undulating joy leaving her lips. Without giving Lorna a chance to react, she lunged forward and pressed her lips firmly against hers, kissing her with all the passion and pent-up emotion that she'd been holding inside her body. It suddenly felt like a great lift had been lifted from her shoulders and she just went completely limp, melting into the kiss.

The kiss soon got heating, breaths coming out in gasps and teeth clinking together as their tongues fought. Nicky's hands slid under Lorna's top, slowly moving up her soft warm back before her fingers found the clasp of her bra.

'Wait, wait.' Morello pulled back and Nicky let out a huff of frustration which caused Lorna to giggle, it was a funny sight. Especially with Nicky's mouth and chin, all smeared with bright red lipstick. 'It's your birthday, I want to make this all about you.' Lorna whispered, her tone taking on a seductive lilt.

Nicky raised an eyebrow in slight surprise, her mouth twisting into a dirty smile. Lorna leant forward again only this time to press the palm of her hands to Nicky's shoulders, slowly easing her back until she was lying flat on the ground. 'There we go.'

Lorna moved until she was hovering above Nicky before she eased herself down to lie on top of her, her mouth meeting Nicky's once more as she felt the hands of the elder female encircling her waist, her hands coming to rest on her hips.

Lorna trailed her lips along Nicky's jaw, pressing soft teasing kisses until she reached the pulse point on Nicky's neck where she proceeded to suck the skin into her mouth hard, leaving little nips before soothing the skin over with her tongue. Hearing the guttural groan coming from above her caused a smug smile to form on her lips before she sat back up again and reached for the hem of Nicky's white wife-beater and pulling it up her body. Nicky moved with her, arching her back and lifting her arms so Lorna was able to pull it off her. She threw it down gently beside them being weary of the candles still burning brightly around them and whilst she was doing that Nicky took it upon herself to unclip the clasp of her bra and slinging it beside her.

Lorna smiled as she looked back down at Nicky's chest, she brought the palms of her hands to cup Nicky's full breasts, pulling and squeezing as she straddled her waist. She shot Nicky a dirty smile before bent back down, she brushed her lips against the soft skin of her left breast before her mouth found her nipple, already standing to attention. She smirked as her other hand found the right nipple and taking it between her fingers. She circled her tongue around her erect nipple before sucking it into her mouth, coating the pink bud generously with her saliva whilst her other hand twisted and pulled at her other nipple. The appreciate moans and gasps coming from above her only served as further encouragement as she let the nipple slip from her mouth and moved on to the other nipple to offer it the same treatment.

Morello had never had a problem with lesbian sex, she enjoyed giving pleasure just as much as she enjoyed receiving it. It was the mixing feelings into it that was always the problem.

After a sufficient amount of giving time and attention Nicky's breasts, she began travelling down further south, pressing kisses and trailing her tongue until she reached the waistband of Nicky's prison issue khaki's. She hooked her thumbs into the waistband and began pulling them down Nicky's thighs, the blonde helping my shifting her hips, making it easier for her to slide them down her legs under they reached her ankles where Nicky proceeded to kick them off along with her crocs.

All Nicky was wearing now was her white prison issue panties that Lorna could see were stained with a wet patch, she reached up with her hand, allowing her index finger to trace over the wet patch, pressing the material further against her vagina. The imprint of her pussy lips showing over the stretch of the panties. 'You nice and wet for me, baby?' Lorna breathed.

Usually, it was Nicky who was heavy with the dirty talk but from time to time, Lorna found herself slipping into it. Her eyes flickered up to Nicky who she could see was biting down hard on her lower lip, probably hard enough to draw blood as she whimpered.

'Yeah, so wet for you.' She rasped in reply causing Lorna to smirk, she decided not to tease her any longer and peeled the panties down her legs until Nicky once again flung them from her feet. Lorna looked over her shoulder as she watched the panties and in slow-motion on top of one of the candles.

'Nicky!' She screeched before leaping forward to grab the panties that had caught aflame, banging them down on the floor until the flame went out. They weren't too badly burnt thanks to Lorna's quick thinking, but they did have a few more holes in them now and were stained black.

Lorna crawled back over to Nicky who was pressing a hand to her mouth as she tried to stifle her laughter, Lorna's stern face only lasted a couple more seconds before she burst out in laughter too. Their laughter died down after a few moments.

'Idiot.' Lorna scoffed before she lay herself down again, moving so her head was in between Nicky's legs. She licked her lips as she took in the wetness glistening her labia, she dived her head in and pressed her nose against her clitoris breathing in the intoxicating scent. 'Fuck.' She breathed, her breath ghosting over her pussy causing Nicky to tremble and twitch.

'Fuckin' come on already do somethin'!' She ground out trying to close her legs closer together but Lorna's hands holding them open prevented that.

Lorna flicked her eyes up at Nicky with a small smirk, finding dark lust-blown eyes staring right back at her as her hand moved to try and push her head right where she wanted it. She allowed the movement, her eyes staying on Nicky's as she moved her head closer, closing her lips around the hood of her clit and sucking hard.

Nicky's yell of expletives and the tight screwing of her eyes shut encouraged her further, her eyes flicking back to her pussy, she moved her hands down to thumb open her lips, stretching her wide. 'So beautiful.' She whispered almost to herself as she leaned in and licked one long strip of her tongue from her hole up to her clit, she repeated those motions a couple of more times before she dived right in and began sucking with vigour. Her nose pressed against her clit as she sucked one of the lips into her mouth, stroking her tongue across the skin before letting it go from her mouth with a plop, before moving to the other side to do the same thing.

She could feel Nicky bucking her hips up and down and her hand pressed against the back of her head harder, her fingers clenching around her hair almost painfully. She flicked her tongue up the length of her pussy a few more times before she concentrated on her clit once more. She brought the protruding flesh back into her mouth and began sucking hard, at the same time she trailed her hand further down and allowed her index finger to circle around her sopping hole before without warning she plunged the digit in until her second knuckle. She began thrusting her finger in it until after a few moments she added a second finger. She could feel Nicky clenching around her fingers already, her ears fazing in and out at Nicky's rough voice muttering incoherently as she bucked her hips harder up against her mouth and hand.

Lorna smirked around the clit she was still holding captive in her mouth, she knew she was close so she pressed her face closer and sucked harder, moving her fingers in and out of Nicky at a crushing speed, making sure to curl her finger tips to scrape against her g-spot with every thrust. She didn't have to wait very much longer before Nicky was arching her back off the floor and coming with a yell that was probably loud enough to get them caught. Lorna stayed with her as she rode out her orgasm, easing off only slightly as she moved her head down once she'd pulled her fingers out so she could lap at her hole until any sign of cum had disappeared completely.

She finally pulled her head back and sat up on her haunches, she was breathing heavily and her mouth and chin were covered in saliva and Nicky's cum. Nicky equally out of breath, looked down at her and nearly passed out at the sight alone. Jesus Christ, she couldn't remember the last time she'd cum that hard.

Nicky reached her hand down, grabbing at Lorna's collar to pull her up to face-level again. She lunged forward to kiss her hard on the mouth, moaning as she tasted her own cum on Lorna's tongue, she lapped at her mouth, chasing all traces of her cum away from her lips and tongue. She finally pulled her head back to thud back against the ground, panting and chest heaving. 'Gonna' be the death of me, kid.' She breathed out, her eyes sliding closed in bliss and exhaustion.

'Mm hm.' Lorna hummed back with a grin, a mirroring look of bliss on her own face. She was soaked through her own panties now but they'd have to deal with that later. Right now, they needed to get the hell out of here.

She nudged Nicky with her elbow. 'C'mon, help me clean up. We gotta head back.'

Nicky groaned, flicking her eyes back open to look up at Morello blowing out candles and collecting up all the tea lights. She stayed still for a moment, just admiring Lorna's ass as she shuffled across the floor before she finally began to move. Stretching up with a slight groan, she began to re-dress herself. Opting to go commando and just shoving her burnt panties into her pocket. Once she'd got dressed, she gathered up all the pillows, blankets and sheets into a bundle in her arms.

It was only then that she noticed the pieces of white paper with scribbled scrawl again, her curiosity piqued she flicked her eyes over at Morello as she pointed out the letters.

'What's that all about, Lorna?' She arched a brow, a small smile playing on her lips.

'Oh.' She face palmed with an annoyed huff to herself. 'I completely forgot to give them to you.' She bent over to pick them up and handing them to Nicky. 'Every day you were in Max, I wrote you a letter. Some are sweet, some are not so sweet. But they're all real and honest, and I tried to tell you how I feel in every single one of them.' She shrugged with a half grin. 'You can look through them later.' She pressed a kiss against her cheek.

'C'mon, let's get going before we get caught.' Lorna smiled and began walking to the top end of the chapel whilst Nicky pondered thoughtfully about the content in each of the letters. A part of her didn't even want to read them because she knew how much Lorna was struggling whilst she was gone but she couldn't deny the fact she was curious.

They parted ways with a quick kiss, promising to meet up again in the showers in a few hours. Nicky sank down into her bunk and just stared at the stack of papers in her hands for a really long moment before with a sigh she shoved them under a pillow for another day. She rolled over on to her side and drifted to sleep in under a few minutes, a smile on her lips that stayed until she woke 6 hours later.


End file.
